Survey Time
Current mood: cranky

1. Were you dating the last person you kissed?
No

2. Pretend you've had 10 beers, what you would be doing right now?
I don't like beer, so to have had ten of them....I'd probably be trying to escape the restraints I must be in.

3. What do you want?
I WANT IT ALL, I WANT IT ALL.....AND I WANT IT NOW!!! (Anyone recognize the lyrics?)

4. Who was the last person you shared a bed with?
Sara sits on my bed with me frequently

5. Do you talk to yourself?
oh yeah

6. Do you drink milk straight from the carton?
Never - around the edge is where bad milk hides, wouldnt want my mouth to make contact with that.

7. Who knows a secret or two about you?
Lotsa people

8. How long is your hair?
almost shoulder length

9. Do you like Batman?
Loved Christian Bale as Batman - great movie!

10. Who was the last person you told you loved them?
Sara O

12. Do you swear at your parents?
I don't speak with them at all, which cuts down on the swearing

13. Do you like anyone now?
yeah

14. When was the last time you lied?
Sunday to my landlord to cover for one of my housemates

15. When was the last time you cried?
last night?

16. Is your birthday on a holiday?
no, sometimes it is an election day though

17. What instant messaging service do you use?
Gmail. If you aren't on google chat, then I don't need to talk to you. :p

18. Last thing you cooked today?
haven't cooked yet today

19. Did you have a nap today?
Nope

20. Who's house did you go to last?
Heather's

21. What do you wear more, jeans or sweats?
cargo pants

22. Why is the sky blue?
Philosophically or scientifically?

23. Do you like green beans?
This is the only vegetable that I remotely enjoy eating

24. Do you swear a lot?
More than some, but I try to curse for emphasis & not due to a lack of language skills


25. Where did you get the shirt you're wearing?
Old Navy

26. Have any regrets?
starting smoking

27. Do you use an alarm clock?
I would if I had one.

28. Where was your default MySpace picture taken?
My living room - huh, mine too!

29. Do you ever snort when you laugh?
Occassionally.

30. Whats the first thing you notice on the opposite sex?
Depends on what is most noticeable on the individual

31. Is cheating ever okay?
I'm so sick of this question - do people put this on surveys because they want to hear that it is ok so they will go out and do it?

32. Do you wear underwear?
when I want to

33. Are you a social or antisocial person?
Depends on my mood

34. Are you old enough to vote?
I have been for a while. And yes I do. <---same here

35. Do you have a tan?
ha! no

36. Whats something you regret right now?
smoking - I'm having an extreme craving to have one right now

37. What school do you go to?
life U

38. What radio station do you listen to?
NPR, the one that isn't playing a commercial

39. Who was your first best friend?
Aimii

40. Are you afraid of the dark?
No, but I am sometimes afraid of things unseen

41. Do you miss someone today?
yeah

42. What's your favorite song?
of the moment? can't decide...

44. Who's always there for you unconditionally?
I am, silly :-

Friday, November 02, 2007

ARGGGGGGHHHHHHHH! Current mood: depressed Category: Romance and Relationships Another degree of letting go...goddammit J is in an exclusive relationship. It hit me like a semi - I didn't know he was even dating. (apparently dating her for about a month) He told me on gchat and I was immediately blurry eyed and racked with sobs and felt like I couldn't breathe. Then I wanted to throw up. I still feel like I want to throw up. Thankfully Sara came home shortly after I found out (because I called her in hysterics) He offered to come over & talk so we did. He just left. It was good to see him and also incredibly painful to see him knowing that he is embarking on a new relationship... I decided I needed to write about this asap after the conversation because otherwise when I get depressed I will remember things in a more negatively skewed way (toward me). I'm still trying to figure out why I still let rejection feel like a personal judgment of me and being found unworthy in some sense. I also feel rejected by many things that are not actually rejection. It is a very powerful gut reaction, very core feelings of fear...abandonment maybe? I'm working on so much stuff from my childhood right now and I feel like this strong sense of self hatred/judgment is from something in my childhood... I love J like I have never loved anyone and feel *such* a strong connection with him, it feels like his new relationship is erasing what we had and apparently some dreams that I hadn't let go of yet. He and I have had a lot of hard times but there is a part of me that always hoped it would lead to us getting married, barefoot in the sand in Mexico (where we have spent so much time together). He changed so much over the course of our relationship, became a better communicator, more present & aware, more open and loving...I thought if we were able to make things work that we would have that happy ending. I know it isn't logical....I've never had chemistry like that with anyone. I told him tonight that I've dated a few guys but none of them were a better fit than him and that the bar had ben raised and now I'm comparing my dates to him - he interjected "poor guys" - but it's true, I am not willing to settle for anything less than what I had with him. Until we talked about this I didn't realize that he isn't looking for someone that's a better fit, he just knows he doesn't like being alone and doesn't like dating around. It was good to hear from him that I can't be replaced and that she isn't a better fit, just a very different person. When I asked him if he thought it was long term he smiled and said something to the effect of - you know how I am - it is what it is. At one point I was crying and he was holding me and I was saying how it feels like I may never find the right person (I was twice divorced by 27 and James has been the only significant relationship since then and, I'll be thirty next week. Stoooopid numbers. Anyway, he said "you don't have to find the right person, the right person will find you." If you know him you will understand why this made me burst out laughing. Great tension reliever. He doesn't really believe that but he knows that I do. It was very sweet. Ultimately, I believe that everything will work out in the end, sometimes I just get a little frustrated when I can't see what's around the next bend, especially when the climb is so steep and the road so riddled with pothol

10 days until I am a non-smoker!
Category: Life

I started smoking at 17 after my mom had kicked me out of the house and I was sleeping on my cousin's couch alot....I have tried to seriously quit at least 5-6 times and have yet to succeed. But I really want to treat my body better and this is the first step I want to take in this direction. So, I decided months ago I was going to quit as a 30th Birthday present to myself, and now it is right around the corner! My bday is Nov 7th, so after 11:59 pm on Nov 6th - I'm done.

If you have quit smoking and have tips, *please* let me know. If you are a friend who smokes, as of November 7th, please do not smoke around me or mention anything regarding smoking to me. This is a tip I got from a booklet on smoking cessation - this is supposed to be very helpful and I need all the help I can get. I've justified waiting because there never seems to be a good time to quit...But regardless of how stressed I am right now, I feel like even though it will be difficult (to say this least) this is a change I need to make to be more true to the me inside, the me that I am slowly and delicately uncovering.

Also, if you know of a place to get cheap nicotine patches, let me know. Not so much with gum though since my TMJ doesn't allow gum chewing more than once every few months.

I have one buddy who is quitting with me - if anyone else is interested in joining Jesus and I, that would be great, too - strength in numbers!

I still have bronchitis and I'm sure *that* isn't being helped by the smoking....

Off I go to have one last smoke before sleep....:-)

Dirty 30

Since I will be 30 in two weeks, this seems an appropriate survey :)

The Dirty Thirty... 30 unknown facts/secrets about yourself:

1. Who ended your last relationship?
i did

2. When is the last time you shaved your legs?
last night

3. What were you doing this morning at 8am?
sleeping, thankfully

4. What were you doing 15 minutes ago?
heating up dinner

5. Are you any good at math?
I've got crazy calculator skills, yo.

6. What were you doing last night?
working on Halloween projects for the party and hanging out with friends

7. Do you have any famous ancestors?
stonewall jackson is the only one I know of.

8. Have you ever burped in front of the opposite sex?
yes, but I'm not as good as Heather

9. Do you know all the words to the song on your myspace page?
Somehow I haven't yet figured out how to do that.

10. Where is your mom at ?
No clue

11. How many different beverages have you drank today?
2 different types, many glasses

12. What's one thing you wish to change about yourself?
to be healthier

13. What do you wish for?
everything in my fondest dreams - I want it ALL!!!!!

14. Do you draw your name in the sand when you go to the beach?
I don't think I have...

15. What's the most painful dental procedure you've had?
having my jaws sawed through, pinned back together and wired shut for 6 weeks to correct my underbite & crossbite, when I was 15. 2nd would be a root canal without the relief of anesthetic because the nerves weren't where they were supposed to be after my surgery. 6 shots later and I was still feeling it.


16. What is outside your back door?
a covered patio with a beautiful backyard and a gorgeous view of the mountains and the stars at night. Oh, any my really cool coffee table.

17. Do you have any plans for Friday?
Oh my God, yes. This is going to be a crazy busy weekend. Birthday party at 6, home to get into my kick ass costume then to Nate & Monica's Halloween party at 9:30....

18. How many siblings do you have?
1 brother, 1 sister, 1 step brother, 1 step sister, 1 half sister
countless foster siblings that I like a lot more :-)

19. Do you have a secret crush?
nah

20. Do you keep in touch with your exes?
just the most recent ...and that is because he is a wonderful person that I will always love...plus we laugh a lot together. :-)

21. Do you dislike anyone right now?
In my personal world, no. In the political world (which effects my personal world) hell yes. Bush & Congress are on the top of my list right now

22. Something you are excited about?
seeing MB this weekend!!!!! My costume. The parties.

23. What is your favorite flavor of JELLO?
black cherry or grape, hot (if you ask, I'll tell you)

24. Are any of your great-grandparents still alive?
nope, haven't had grand parents alive for about 10 years either

25. Describe your key chain?
Sara has my car (with keys in it) now, so from memory.....well, there's the monkey that MJ sent me, a laser pointer to blind those who piss me off, my cool ninja & hippie house keys, car key, a hook....

26. What kind of car do you drive?
my hybrid hasn't arrived yet, so I'm still in a 2001 Kia Sephia. With bumper stickers that get me out of jury duty.

27. When was the last time you spoke in front of a large group?
Saturday I'll be speaking in front of 400 people...large is relative... ;-)

28. What kind of winter coat do you have?
I have long black leather coat

29. What are songs that reminds you of an ex?
anything by the Peacemakers/Refreshments

30. Can you tie a cherry stem with your tongue?
I don't think I've ever actually tried...

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Chocolate Cake for Breakfast
Category: Writing and Poetry

Here are some more of my writings for my book:  "Chocolate Cake for Breakfast". I invite your opinions, editing and comments in general. Also - if you have any suggestions on how I can get this published, please let me know - thanks!

I appreciate your feedback, constructive criticism and comments.

DISCLAIMER: Serious, adult issues will be addressed, this is not suitable reading for children and if you are a survivor of abuse, this might trigger issues for you as well.

Thank you in advance for your support!

Age 6

I heard the screaming from my room. Then I heard the sound of the belt slicing the air and then making contact, solidly. I was in my room, with the door closed. I walked over to my bedroom door and stood there, staring at it while tears filled my eyes. I could tell it was my sister screaming and it was coming from my parents bedroom, right across the hall. She was denying something in the midst of the screams but I had no idea what. I opened my door slowly and peeked outside. I wanted to stop him; I wanted to save her. But my feet were weighed down with the fear of having his anger turned on me. I only made it to the hallway right outside my door. I sat down on the floor with my back against my door and cried. He was screaming at her. I knew there was no way he could hear my cries over my sisters, so I felt safe. My mom came down the hall and saw me crying. She told me to go back in my room and invested a perfunctory sentence or two to placate my fears. My mom stood outside her bedroom door as if she was about to go in and stop him, and I went back into my room, being careful to shut the door without making a sound. I don't know how long she stood there, but she never opened the door and the screaming continued.

Age 10

I came home from school for lunch every day in elementary school. The school office accepted this without question (that I am aware of) and gave me a new cardboard pass at the beginning of each school year because it got so worn out. Either my dad would pick me up and take me to Fat Jacks (a 50's themed drive in), some other fast food place, or he would take me home for lunch. As I got older I walked the two blocks home by myself. It didn't seem strange within my family that I never had a school lunch or that I was not allowed to go to friends houses and in general was kept very sheltered. Under the guise of protection, my mother kept me cloistered at home, safe with my father the molester. During one of those lunches at home my parents fought at the table while I was eating my grilled cheese. I had perfecting exiting their world at that point, in favor of the world in my mind, out of sheer practice. Thankfully, I had a vivid imagination. I finished eating and left the table to do something else. As soon as my dad saw that I didn't take my plate with me, he started yelling and I started running, praying that I would make it to my room in time to shut my door. I started crying as soon as I heard him taking off his belt as he ran after me. I wasn't fast enough and the next thing I knew I was flung across my bed and the belt was flying. His aim was off because with his first strike the belt hit my the heel of my tennis shoe and knocked it right off of my foot. I kept screaming and crying, he kept hitting, and my mom kept her seat warm at the dining room table.

Age 11

My dad had moved out at this point. My parents told us he had to transfer because of his job. My brother and sister were already out of the house at this point, my brother was around 24 and my sister 21. We later found out that he had a separate family and it was easier to maintain the facade with them if he lived in Bakersfield. It was either the weekend or summer, or both. My dad was in town and we had some extended family over for a barbecue. My brother and sister were there, as were some aunts, uncles and cousins. Our dog, Bubba, a beautiful white and brown Samoyed-Shepherd mix was howling outside. He was as old as I was, we had grown up together and he was the best pillow I ever had – big, fluffy and full of love. He was mostly blind and deaf because of his age. I think having so many people over scared him; he began howling and barking. Almost immediately my dad took off his belt and marched out to the back yard toward Bubba as we all watched through the sliding glass door. Uncomfortable conversation continued for most of the people there, but I was transfixed. My dad wailed with full force, beating Bubba with his belt. Bubba yelped out of pain and cowered on the ground. I looked at my sister, my brother and my mom, all of whom stood watching and doing nothing. Tears blurred my view as I ran through the living room, toward the back yard. I didn't know what I was going to do, but it didn't matter, I knew I couldn't just watch. I was about to open the door when adult hands pulled me back and away, holding me despite my flails to get free. I didn't save my dog from my dad. Later that night I remember going out to Bubba and burying my head in his soft, full coat and letting it dry my tears.

Age 10/11

I was in the 6^th grade and I had a friend from school; her name was Melissa. I couldn't go over to her house often but my mom let her come over and play. One day we were playing with Barbies in my room when my dad came in said he needed to talk to me. My mom had just been yelling at him about something, so I was nervous. I followed him into my parent's room and was thankful when he kept the door open. He told me in a flat, emotionless voice that I had a half sister who was named Julie who was 10 years older than I was (the same age as my sister, Denise) and if I wanted to meet her and her family, Denise would take me to see them. I didn't ask any questions and quickly returned to my room. I later found out that Denise was born in Oregon because my family fled California to avoid paying child support for Julie who had just been born.

Post-op

Surgery went well, I'm alive. The packing in the nose sucks, feels like I have to sneeze all the time. I got an absolutely gorgeous bouquet of fall flowers from my Virginia Sara - thank you! The card was beautifully you and they were waiting for me when I got home from surgery, so that was fabulous. Heather picked me and kept me great company waiting around before hand and taking care of me after. My housemate Sara is taking great care of me when I let her, which I'm having a bit of a hard time with.

When I'm more up to it I will write about what happened in the Operating Room that was....not good. I won't tease you with too much cause who knows will I will write again.

The thing that most inhibits me is that I am not allowed to BEND!!! I can't bend at the waist at all and my head can't be lower than my heart until the bleeding stops...

Time for another vicodin, gotta go.....

Countdown to Surgery and randomness

So, tomorrow I have my deviated septum surgery and I will be able to breathe through my nose again! It's been more than a decade, so I'm a little anxious

Tomorrow at this time I'll be under general anesthetic, less than a month from now I'll be a non-smoker, and less than a month from now I will be thirty!

I started getting sick on Monday but it really hit me Friday night. I was exhausted, I've got a sinus infection, which will be less frequent after my surgery, so they say.

Last night Riah came over and hung out. When she left (around 10pm) I went to my room and saw that the screen in my bedroom window was knocked out. The window had been open and because the screen wasn't put in properly (damn landlady) Buttons knocked it right out and ran away. I remained very calm for the first half hour, checked the house, checked outside the house with a flashlight, got in my car and drove around. I've never had this happen in 20 years of cat ownership and I really didn't know what to do. So, I called Sara but got voicemail, then I called James who was very sweet and very helpful. I found Buttons wandering around the backyard. I was soooooo relieved! Little Bastard,  though, I was so worried. There is a huge wash right behind our house and there are just so many dangers out there for a little kitty. I am *very* grateful that he is ok. By the time I called James, I was really afraid that I had lost him...very scary.

I started the free trial for blockbuster's online rentals to keep me company while I recouperate. I'm catching up on Bones & House's last season and next will tackle the seasons I haven't seen of Buffy & Angel. I started watching those in the last year and that has probably led to my selection of Halloween costume, which I'm looking forward to putting together.

Sara, Riah & I are going to see Ave Q next weekend - yay!